5. Twenty Heart Explosions

For 26 years I’ve been a musician.
Over the years, I’ve played alongside exquisite soloists.
I’ve witnessed some incredible performances.

But I’ve only had about 20 heart explosions.
Less than 20, actually.
My blood turns colors, and then…tears.

It started in my thirties.
I’m 40 now. So roughly 2 explosions a year.
Is it euphoria?
Or have I simply grown old and stupid?

My daughter noticed one day.
We were at a concert.
She’s 8, and found it very peculiar.

Now, she stares at me when we go to concerts. Waiting.
Is dad’s heart exploding today?
I feel her gaze.
We’ve talked about it. I catch her watching me.
She smiles timidly knowing that I know she knows.

Do you know how many performances I play each year?
How many concerts I go see?
It’s almost not worth it.

But it is.
I don’t chase the explosion.
One cannot do that.
It’s like a beautiful big bang.
Spontaneous. Explosive. Colorful. Perfect.

Is it euphoria?
Who knows.
Is this what you get when you are a musician and turn 40?
I don’t know.

But I can’t wait for the next one.